How do you say "How do you do?" in German?

Jurgen Klinsmann has a lot to prove as the US Men’s National Team coach, especially with a big match coming up against Mexico. That being said, during an interview on www.ussoccer.com , he embodied four of the most attractive qualities a man can have: humility, sensitivity, handsomeness, and a great name. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this charisma was one of the reasons the US Men’s National Soccer Team hired him. Let's be honest, Bob Bradley was not exactly the definition of exciting, especially for the women. Sorry Bob.

So, USMNT, good move. You are one step, in a long line of steps, closer to becoming as exciting to watch as the USWNT.

Haynesworth's Worth

Albert Haynesworth gets traded to the New England Patriots was the news I received while waking up from my peaceful slumber this morning. Now I do not claim to know a lot about football. Unlike other sports where I at least know solid strategy, I lack even that in football. BUT, what I do know is that I have lived in Washington, DC for 9 years. Yes, that I know. AND, I know that for the last two years, Albert Haynesworth has been the hometown villain for not living up to the money given to him, getting suspended for a few games, and then worst of all if true, getting arrested for sexual harassment.

So why in the world would the Patriots want him? I have no idea. Bill Simmons says it is a good gamble. If it were up to me, I would remove him from the NFL and throw him in the middle of the Gobi for a quick attitude change and a hard lesson on food management.

But until that type of punishment is deemed moral, I say this:

NO Albert, the world does not revolve around you, NO, Albert, you are not Michael Phelps, 12,000 calories a day is too much, and NO, Albert, you will not make me feel dirty for being a Pats’ fan.

P.S. (Love the P.S.) I can't even post a picture of him because it makes me feel physically ill, so in his stead, I'll leave you with someone I watched last night during the Man U. v. MLS All-Star blow-out. Ladies and gentleman, I give you my new man crush, Chris Smalling:

P.P.S. (REALLY love the P.P.S.) He's only 21. Score.

OMG NFW!

On my way out of the Wiz Khalifa concert Sunday night, I found out that Jay Cutler broke up with Kristin Cavallari. “Say whaaaaat??” was my immediate reaction, as I showed all of the 15 year olds around me the tweet I was reading.

Naturally they repeated my outburst, and then we continued for a few minutes to let the shock set in with a set of OMGs, SMHs, WTFs, etc. Finally, I had to say BRB because I needed time to myself to think it through.

Three days later, and I never BRBed because you know what, I’m still not over it. But, when I get really down, I just think to myself Jay Cutler didn’t play in the NFC Championship because of a sprain, a SPRAIN, and Kristin Cavallari walked down a runway a week ago in a glass bikini, a GLASS BIKINI. Clearly, we know who’s on top. Jay Cutler, boyyyyyyyyy….you messed up. LMFAO.

P.S. If you ever get a chance to see Wiz Khalifa in concert, do it, because not only do you get to hang out with your former teenage self or something like it, but also and more importantly, he's pretty f-in amazing.

P.P.S. BTW, Football is back, and so is NPJ.

The Nastiest Change-Up of Them All I Say...To You!

Yesterday I indulged in watching the Women’s World Cup of Softball at the gym, and was quickly reminded that the change-up in softball is second to none. A baseball change-up doesn’t even close. Any pitcher who can throw a successful softball change-up (especially on a 3-2 count!!) should be considered a god in my book. Oh yes. Just thought you should all know.

Also, the USA Women’s Team was dressed in pink yesterday, obviously for breast cancer, which is a-ok with me.

The Art of "Finishing"

There has been a lot of discussion on the US National’s Women Team losing to Japan in the finals. What I want to talk about is the actual reason they lost, a syndrome that plagues every soccer team from time to time and is the most frustrating reason to lose. The reason the US Women’s National Team lost is because they could not finish. My head hurts just saying it. Why? Well let’s discuss.

First off, let’s define not finishing: Not finishing is defined as a team being unable to get the ball in the back of the net, despite being very close to doing so and trying very, very hard to do so. The key is that you actually have to get the ball close to the net. Just because a team loses does not group them with the "unable to finish" teams. You actually have to come close and miss, which the US did….a lot.

Ok, so the thing about finishing is that it is really f-in tough. Why? Because, I, as a theoretical soccer player, know and want as much as you, the theoretical spectator yelling at me to score, that the ball needs to get to the back of the net, BUT, and this is a big but, there are a lot of people who wish the exact opposite, and they’re messing with my game. They get a little too close, they slide tackle me. They basically give me a millisecond to hit the perfect shot, and if they give me more than that, it’s because they royally screwed up, which is when most goals happen and is rare at a high level of play (wink wink the World Cup).

Not finishing is brutal. It is a huge smack in the face. Take Abby Wambach’s shot that hit the cross bar. It was a great shot, almost perfect, but in soccer, almost perfect doesn’t count. You need to be perfect or else you lack the ability to finish. But don’t you want to give her credit? I do too, but if she had not leaned back that extra half inch, she may have scored, and they may have won, but she didn’t, and they lost, so sorry Abby, no credit to you for that wonderful shot because you could have hit it just a little bit better.

So to my point. Not finishing is the worst way to lose because it doesn’t mean that your team isn’t better, which the US was, and it doesn’t mean your team wasn't trying equally hard. It just means they couldn’t get the ball in the back of the net, no matter how much I screamed and they screamed at themselves to do so. In my mind the better team, as long as they play with heart, should always win, but in my favorite sport in the world, somehow that’s not the case, and clearly, I still don't know how to come to terms with it.

Congrats Japan on dominating the Women's World Cup. I could never say you do not deserve it because I think you do. And USWNT, I'm still proud, and I'm WICKED excited to see you in the Olympics next year.

Is this my fantasy?

Fantasy football has been a bit aggravating this season. I am a naturally competitive person, something I picked up from my father, so losing is REALLY hard for me. Now you can only imagine how I felt when I lost the first two games of the season. I was like a Russian watching Napoleon and the French take over Moscow and burn it into the ground. I felt nothing but absolute despair. I was so close to throwing in the towel, but like the Russians, I have staged the comeback to claim what is mine. Maybe not the title, but at least my fantasy football pride.

I accredit it all to my core of the year. Let’s discuss….

Aaron Rodgers – I think I have said enough about you. I’m actually sick of talking about you. You know how I feel. Concussion....what?

Steven Jackson – My #2. I have family near St. Louis, so you know, you feel me. You are also a beast.

Brandon Marshall – For some reason, even though the rest of the world does not trust you, I do.

Tony Gonzalez – You stink sometimes, but you’re a tight end, and I still don’t really know what the hell a tight end is, so I can’t blame you.

Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis – My cousin tutored you at Ole Miss, so you’re like family to me. And you’re like the only RB for NE. Now if you could only get me tickets to see Aaron Rodgers play the Patriots on December 19th, I would actually like you.

Aaron Hernandez – You’re so young, and you’re kind of hot. It’s the tattoos.

T.O. – You shouldn’t even be on this list, but you’re throwing up some good numbers when your QB isn’t throwing up shit, which is 10% of the time. The only Palmer for me is Arnold.

Dwayne Bowe- I feel a connection because of my adoration for Matt Cassel (CASTLE not ka-sell). You finally performed up to your hype last week. I hope we can continue on this path and maybe you could be my #2.

Everyone else, I love you, but I have had enough of writing. Just know that I am stoked with my fantasy team. You have given me the most points in the league, and although I am still in 5th, that is whole lot better than the 9th I was in YESTERDAY.

Oh the trials and tribulations...

I always believed that my fantasy football players played better when I watched them. They knew. And I thought I was as important to them as David Hasselhoff is to Germans. The ying to their yang. The peanut butter to my banana, english muffin, and peanut butter breakfast sandwich. The engines to a plane. Important with a capital I. Apparently this couldn't be farther from the truth. You see....

Last night I was supposed to go out to watch Aaron Rodgers destroy Chicago’s defense, and I bailed because it was raining and most importantly Dancing with the Stars was on. When informing an anonymous good friend of my intention to bail (Jenee, I really don’t want to get you any negative press), I received the response “I think Aaron Rodgers might know you’re not watching & he’s going to throw 8 interceptions!!!” Uh uh, no she didddant! Oh, she did, and I was thinking the same thing,.....until he threw over 300 yards, had 2 touchdowns, and broke my heart.

Bastard, you are supposed to know when I’m not watching. It’s like you don’t even care. And no, just because you got me over 20 fantasy points (thanks!!!!!!) and helped me win my first fantasy football game (Big ups!!), does not mean I’m not still annoyed with you...Maybe I'll cool off enough this week to put out for you, I mean put up with you.